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September 8th 2008 11:57
Ok major embarrassment alert…this screams disaster without any effort at all…some people ask the question – “didn’t your mother teach you how to get dressed?” – obviously - the answer is no in some instances…

During my adventures on the weekend and some venturing into town, I discovered a lot of people forget how to dress themselves, yet meanwhile, I could not come up with a rational explanation for their hideous acts of foolishness… While out at a bar in Melbourne on Friday night, I thought to myself, it must be “reveal your ‘unmentionables’ night”…

To put it simply a lot of people had unintentionally left themselves open to all sorts of hours of the morning (literally) and their shops were still trading as they knocked back their 17th alcoholic beverage. I am clearly discussing the “fly” on a pair of trousers or jeans…


It was very uncomfortable, as I entered the ladies powder room, to be confronted with two chicks who did not appear to be out together with the fly on their skinny leg jeans wide open…It was quite an embarrassing spectacle. Clearly, in these circumstances, people have an abundant supply of ammunition to argue that you are so inebriated that you neglected to maneuver the vital zip on your pants…The other explanation could be that you simply forgot (thinking unconsciously) that you had already correctly dressed yourself just like your mother taught you when you were a child.

Poking through the fly (shop) was an accumulation of various pieces of material which should have been reserved for where they belong – being in your pants. One outfit was quite hideous where the poor young woman (who was clearly affected by a few too many wines) actually managed to creatively (although I think it was unintentional) have her shirt, which she had tucked into her skinny leg jeans, poking though the fly…it resembled a flag of some description…


Seriously, the crime (and fashion disaster) was great for a laugh while the dim-witted individual was utterly clueless. This was quite alarming as there was a mammoth mirror as you exited the rest rooms so how she missed the smashing, red shirt poking out down south is quite brainless to put it in simple terms.

My tips are completely effortless and straightforward, one being – wear a frock (although this can also tend to get a bit messy at times). Number two is just basic commonsense - Check yourself out in a mirror in a super-dooper quick fashion, (if one is available) or make sure you have a trusty side-kick/ wingman/ wingwoman who ensures you remain clothed during your weekend shenanigans.
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Winter Warmers

August 31st 2008 13:22

I realise the chilly weather calls for some warming action however some people essentially go way too far to ensure their bodies are maintained at a healthy body temperature. What ever happened to numerous layers of tights or stocking or even the birth of the leggings to ensure your legs were not dying of hypothermia? They are all still very much alive, especially in the winter months, and will definitely continue to be a hit in Melbourne as Spring pops into town for a couple of months tomorrow morning.

What stumps many people in town is why certain women attempt to keep warm via unconventional methods? Spotted in Melbourne, once again was a young chick parading down Swanston Street wearing hideous leg attire. It was quite a frosty day and so leggings being worn under a pair of shorts was definitely a clever a idea however, it appeared at the very same time that she was attending an 80’s flashdance dress-up party.

Sporting red leggings under a tiny pair of denim shorts and white lace-up canvas footwear – this creative noggin decided it would be a good idea to only ensure her ankles were kept at room temperature. She had slipped on a grotesque pair of thick black and gold leg warmers. They looked so out of place and quite odd. Reaching just under her knee, these massive bulky accessories did not match her colour-scheme, nor the theme of her outfit. Teamed up with a massive grey cardi – which was actually kind of cute – could not even make up for the wacky shenanigans that were going on down south of the belt line...

I am clearly unaware of what possessed the poor kid to strut around the fashion capital in random “woolly accomplices” however, I do know that there are other ways she could have kept warm which would have been to ahh maybe slap on a pair of jeans, wear layers of stockings if she wanted to prance around in the shorts or sneaking into a pair of knee-high boots while concealing 3 pairs of socks inside them...simple solutions really…they will allow you to avoid looking like you belong in some random, musical production...
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Hitch it up – or not...

August 27th 2008 13:03
What is the point of showing a bit of skin and then attempting to conceal it with a tiny spot of material? This clearly is an unanswered question in today’s society with many chicks being confused as to whether or not they let that little piece of flesh be exposed to a touch of vitamin D or not...

I can not understand the logic of those individuals who sport a super-dooper short frock and then under it, they are wearing a pair of shorts. Um hello – what was the point in the first place of wearing the dress? Don’t want to alarm you but you just clearly contradicted yourself in the fashion department.

While doing the rounds of various locations and nightlife venues in Melbourne last weekend, I became the witness of bulky dresses...yes bulky dresses. A young lady was wearing a pretty fitting garment which was located quite above her knee so I assumed it was a dress...this was until I discovered she was wearing a pair of shorts (which were being sneaky and cheeky) and which were exposed where they should not have been...They were all crumpled under the so-called dress to the point that it caused her dress to ride up to such a degree that eventually it just appeared as a top and looked absolutely horrible.

It made no sense what-so-ever and she should have just stuck to her guns of wearing a tiny short frock and made the most of her evening. If she was that conscious in the first place then why would she have bothered to purchase a set of threads that short? She could have spent half the price and bought a gorgeous pretty top which she would not have had to have tugged and altered the whole night just to ensure no extra bits were exposed that were not suitable for the 9pm timeslot.

Back to the crumpling issue – as the shorts were also riding up under the dress, it appeared that there was a gathering of all the unwanted extra material (from the lame shorts) which added non-decorative features to the frock, which was failing miserably at this point to do its job.

If you are going to go with the super short long singlet or the mini-mini-mini dress then come to terms with the consequences and do not attempt to cover up bits which your dress should be doing. Instead – use your noggin when you hit shopping-land and maybe grab something that you know will not require extra items of clothing to conceal half your body and not land you in the slammer for indecent exposure...

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Tops of a muffin

August 17th 2008 09:52
I can not understand the mentality of some people in this world. It has been said over and over again that exposing your muffin top is bad news, Everyone has them and it has become the social norm to ahh cover them up – hence the introduction of verryy long tops ... (I happily praised their arrival on the scene)...What incentive is given to those that choose to wear tops that are clearly toooo short for them and do not even reach their belt line?

At one stage I thought - ok shorter tops do indeed serve a purpose in this challenged world. They allow the prospect of snuggly fitting into your high-waisted jeans and not rolling up so disgustingly that you can see and feel the bunched up material through the skin tight jeans. That is the only service they offer otherwise they might as well be super tiny mid-riff tops which have no shame in letting your body access a heap for vitamin D from the exterior that is the world.

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Pant-less…

August 6th 2008 04:15
I still have no idea how people honestly believe that they can get away with sporting a bedroom t-shirt as a dress? The question is beyond me and the answer is clearly yet to be discovered if I am writing of this absurd occurrence. It was a strange scene and one which I thought was quite a way of attracting attention, clearly it not being unwanted.

Sitting calmly, in my spot on the train, in Melbourne, this young foolish girl came bouncing in on my carriage with her trusty sidekick being her mobile glued to her ear yapping away. What was to follow next was a complete disaster. Despite embracing her arms, torso and back with a bright yellow, canary coloured, long cardigan, she had managed to completely ruin the cardi’s appeal with what she had decided to cover her legs with – or not to cover them with…

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Strings Attached

August 4th 2008 12:14
I can not comprehend those individuals who leave the safe nest that they call home and enter the crazy world with strings attached. When you have just purchased a brand-spankin’ new pair of jeans or a pretty top, the last thing you want to be doing is strutting your stuff down the street with a ball of cotton in tow.

While commuting on the trusty train service in Melbourne, I got off at my desired end point of travel and stood patiently behind a young girl, as the escalator did its job and raised me up a few levels until I reached heaven – being Melbourne Central. I was confronted with this girl on the tram as I continued my journey - only to spot an issue. She was wearing a white long sleeved top, which was pleasant on a winter’s day however, she appeared to have a few unwanted accessories.

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Sweaty Spots

July 22nd 2008 02:24
It has got to be the utmost repulsive thing when you are dancing in a venue in the evening time with the moon in full view and an alcoholic beverage in your hand when you spot patches...of wetness...made up of sweat...What is more alarming is the fact that we are in winter at the moment...

The other night, while I got my groove on, after hitting the d-floor, my girlfriends and I spotted unpleasant secretions. Honestly kids, I realize it gets toasty in nightclub venues but that is the reason for a cloak room. Sure, I am clearly aware it is like zero degrees outside when you are ready to prance into a club but you do not need to dress like an Eskimo seeming most of your time you will be spending inside – at an optimum temperature which is set at a level which encourages one to spend their cash on beverages.

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While I was minding my own business the other day, just roaming the streets of Melbourne, with the intention of purchasing items I have no use for, I received a startling text message...One of my poor friends has started back at university a few days before I am due to commence and she sent me quite an amusing message.

All she had written in the message was – “tracksuit attire...no runners”. I thought ok - gosh what has this person put under their tracksuit – like no runners, so maybe slippers? She thought it was the funniest thing she had ever seen and it kept her entertained while she attempted to be productive. In the meantime I was still trying to work out what this person had teamed up with their trackies. I never in my life thought somebody would strut down the street wearing a matching tracksuit and a pair of heels so my reply was slippers... I was going to say thongs but thongs and trackies are fine to wear and me and her both wore them together so I thought well she would not be bringing that up...

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Red Hot Fish

July 16th 2008 05:47
I can already see it clearly...the season of winter will kill me due to the absurd items of clothing kids pull out of their wardrobe and slap on. While roaming the streets of Melbourne I tend to spot some odd things in my travels...The one I shall mention now was quite a bright disaster...

Prancing around Collins Street the other evening, I spotted this young girl walking ahead of me. The Fashion Police should have been present and gotten onto this one quick-smart. She was there with a singlet and cardigan, which was fine and fabulous at the same time, as the singlet was quite cute and was white. However, she decided to sport a pair of red tiny shorts and pitch black ankle boots... What was the disaster 'bit' of the outfit was the choice of patterned “leg huggers” otherwise known as tights she was wearing.

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Tight it up

July 14th 2008 04:46
Melbourne, being the fashion capital, offers a lot of diversity but sometimes it can just get a bit excessive and full on and you begin to wonder where people derive their inspiration from... After venturing out for a massive shopping expedition, which just turned out to be the bi-product of a day of hitting the town, I decided to stroll around the DFO at Spencer Street. I was confronted by a ridiculous attempt at keeping warm...

I waltzed into a shop of my choice, in the massive complex only to be staring at ‘sale’ signs so I got quite excited and started vigorously searching for frocks in my size. It was great and I scored a couple of items which was a fabulous addition to the wardrobe. However, when I went to pay for the items, a strange scene met my eyes. The girl at the counter was wearing the dress I was purchasing. I thought sweet, at least now I can see what these threads look like on a human, so prior to paying for the dress, I walked around the side of the counter to check out the length and how the dress hung on her frame. Turns out I was disgusted. Not by the dress but what she had done under it.

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